It's dark

It's dark.

I haven't had this much trouble finding the light in a very long time.  Most of the weekend was spent in bed, curled up in a ball. So unimaginative.  Damon got me out of bed  around noon with coffee and bagels. By 1:30 I was back in my nest. I arose again for a couple hours in the evening, all the while
wondering how soon I could return to my safe place.

I am tearful about ridiculous things, almost feeling peri menopausal in the lack of control I have over my tear ducts. And the heaviness is the worst part. It's like there is too much gravity and even the act of getting out of bed requires a huge amount of will.

Must I wait til spring for relief?  Will Doc have a suggestion tomorrow?  This is beyond tiresome. It is drudgery. It can not continue.

Left Turn Ahead

People are talking about death. Not since Doctor Kavorkian was in the news have I heard so much chatter about assisted suicide.

Why now?

A young woman with brain cancer moves to Oregon so she can die with dignity, on her terms, with her loved ones around her. Rest in peace, we say, but die slowly, painfully, as God would want you to die.

An elderly client told me she had another heart attack and said, "No I didn't go to the hospital.  If I die I'm going to live til I die. I'm not dying in a hospital bed. "

I overheard a conversation by a man in his 50s talking about how, if he lives to be 75, will not seek medical attention after reaching that age. He sees no purpose and will let nature take its course.

Maybe we are turning against the trend to live as long as possible at all costs. Regardless of quality of life. Regardless of happiness. Health. Fullfillment. Satisfaction. Just keep breathing. At all costs. In spite of pain. Artificial means are okay. Just keep breathing.

Maybe pillowtime is becoming fashionable. This gives me hope.